Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Please critique this poem i wrote,?

oderin asked:


Do I talk when I dream?
Do I spill the truth above my pillow,
Do you spill the pill all over the truth…

We could live in paradise if you follow my lead,
We can write our names with our feet,
Dreaming of being home and alone,
Is what keeps our minds off, our minds off (our minds are off)

You are in love with the wounded enemy,
Morphine his heart, he Is all yours,
Does it shine too bright?
So my ring does nothing more than be pretty?

I opened your door and I found a drawer,
I felt my hands “checking up” on you,
A note fell into my palm, reading…
“somebody end me before I have to”
Devastation leads to apprehension,
So lets pretend I didn’t see anything

(i have more if you would like to read them)

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11 Responses to “Please critique this poem i wrote,?”

yahoohoo Says:
June 30th, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Nice try.

kaitlyn t Says:
July 1st, 2009 at 5:26 pm

hey your poem is great! love it!

glass_city_hustla Says:
July 1st, 2009 at 10:24 pm

to me
i don’t know but is not a poem supposed to rhyme??

kenny_the_bomb Says:
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 am

I can’t tell exactly what you are talking about, but I’m guessing that’s the point.

Other than that, you appear to have some talent and I like how you started it. It flows pretty well lyrically.

I write a lot of lyrics too man, I’d lvoe to see more and share some of my own.

Dawn Treader Says:
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:56 am

Keep it up.

JuneBug22 Says:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:11 am

Deeply beautiful. I’d say pursue a published career if you want–don’t just let us enjoy them for “free”.

Courtney F Says:
July 6th, 2009 at 11:08 pm

Are you f**king drunk or crazy?!!!! or both?!!!

Brenda Says:
July 9th, 2009 at 11:34 pm

i really love it!!! its good to write poems it helps your soul
you should publish them and make a book. where are your other poems at????

DrB Says:
July 10th, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Your poem was pretty good for open verse. I was distracted by the idea that you were referring to an actual relationship—if that is true you need help and not with your poetry.

yuyu Says:
July 11th, 2009 at 7:18 pm

you should try making your words flow a bit more.

indian_ernie42 Says:
July 12th, 2009 at 10:25 pm

I thought the piece a bit disjointed. You have written some very strong lines, but I suggest some revision. Remember, there is no free verse. Even free verse has rules, the most important of which might be that, in the absence of structure, the chosen words have to provide flow, mood, tempo, and (most importantly, I think) music. Nice going, though. Keep working.

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