Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Can you proof-read my paragraph?

Katie W asked:


OKay, I’m in 8th grade and we are supposed to write a scary story, I’d like someone to read through my first paragraph and give me some advice on how I can change it! Thanks!

Boom! The thunder roared across the dark sky, over and over again, it never stopped. Angolie wove through the trees running faster and faster each time she heard the thunder. It was early morning and Angolie had been running through the forest for hours, she was being followed and she was scared, wet and alone. She turned back to see if the follower was still there, he wasn’t. She thought he may have stopped and went back, but couldn’t be sure, she didn’t care, she needed to rest. She found a large tree and sad down leaning against it, she could run no more. As she sat and cried she heard whispers, quiet voices echoing off the trees, the follower hadn’t left, and he wasn’t alone, they were surrounding her. Suddenly the whispers stopped and all that could be heard were footsteps, the footsteps of them.

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3 Responses to “Can you proof-read my paragraph?”

Jon S Says:
September 12th, 2009 at 2:05 am

its really good. haha. I would defintiley be interested in reading that if it was a real story ahahah. Niiicee. hope you get a good grade =)

ginger Says:
September 13th, 2009 at 6:06 am

Hi. Really scary and I like it. But sad in she sad down leaning against it should be sat. And my teacher last year told me to writ did not for didn’t and etc.

Jay Says:
September 13th, 2009 at 8:13 am

That is really good! :) You give so much detail. I do have some corrections or suggestions I suppose though.

Correction:
–The thunder roared across the dark sky, over and over again, never stopping.

Idk? Suggestion I guess?:
–The thunder roared across the ominous dark sky, repeating itself over and over again, as if a tape had been caught in its skipping.

Correction. The sentence is a run-on, unless you made a mistake transferring the story from something?:
–It was early morning and Angolie had been running through the forest for hours, she was being followed and she was scared, wet and alone.

Another Suggestion?:
–It was the ***** of dawn and Angolie had been hurriedly swinging past the trees in the forest for hours, gazing behind her to see if the follower was indeed following, rest assured he wasn’t.

Sad —> Sat

That’s about it :) Great job, Id love to hear the rest

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