bulletprooflonliness asked:


I just finished a picture prompt story for english (grade and could someone read it and just give me some suggestions? thanks a million!!!!

The night was dark. A cool, quiet summers night in the forest. The only audible sound was that of the tiny feet of Evan and Melanie scampering among the trees and underbrush.
The sky, filled with a thousand glittering stars, was barely visible through the thick canopy of leaves and branches overhead.
Little Melanie clutched her brother’s hand, keeping it close to her chest. The warmth of his hand and the beating of her heart was just barely enough to comfort the both of them.
“Evan, are we close?” Melanie squeaked, eyes darting from gnarled root to shrub.
“I think so,” Her brother replied, mock bravery in his voice. He shone his torch into the dark abyss before them, only to have to beam of light swallowed by the mouth of the night. He shivered and pulled Melanie closer. “I just hope I’m wrong…”
“My neck hurts, Evan.” She sobbed,
rubbing the two deep puncture wounds on the side of her neck. The were still dark read and slightly swollen, The only reassuring sign that the vampire blood running through her veins was still thin, and there was still hope of saving her from the otherwise sure fate of becoming a child of the night.
“Its ok… just… don’t touch it. We’ll get you all better in no time. You’ll see.” He forced a smile while choking back tears. They welled in his eyes, threatening to burst out like water from a fireman’s hose. But he had to be brave. For her.
Yet he couldn’t help but feel totally lost and anxious to end this trek. Every rock looked the same as the next, none forming the face in which the pair were so desperately seeking. Melanie’s life as a human was wearing thin. If they didn’t find the Rock Man tonight, she had no hope of staying a human.
“Evey,” Melanie whispered, directing a finger out into the darkness. “The tree. It moved.”
Evan’s breath caught in his throat. Could it be?
The Rock Man’s enchanted guard?
He broke into a run, making sure to keep a firm grip on Melanie’s hand. Into the inky night they raced, onwards to the swaying object in the distance. The light of Evan’s torch caught on an edge of the object. A branch. Yes, definitely a branch. They had found it! If this was the tree guard, then the Rock Man was surely close behind it.
As they neared, Evan’s head spun wildly, excited thoughts racing through it. Then something broad connected with his gut. The blow sent him toppling backwards into Melanie who cried out as their limbs intertwined.
“State your names!” The tree bellowed, branches flailing madly.
Evan raised himself up onto his elbow and gave a feeble attempt to speak but only managed a small, painful wheeze and crashed back down to the cold, hard earth.
Melanie pushed herself to her feet and brushed the leaves and dirt from her trousers. “Melanie and Evan.” She spoke with admirable confidence. There was a courageous edge in
in her voice that Evan had never heard before.
“And your business here, Melanie and Evan?” The tree mocked, leaning closer towards Melanie.
The tree lacked eyes but made up for it with its enormous gaping maw, which spread nearly the circumference of the tree. It was filled with hundreds of tiny razor like teeth, sticking out at obscure angles. It was a truly horrifying creation, thought up by a truly macabre mind, and designed to frighten all who tried to enter the lair of the Rock Man.
But Melanie held her ground. Cold, hard anger glinted in the depths of her green eyes. “Stuff it, tree.” She snarled, baring her newly grown vampire teeth. “We’re here to see the Rock Man.
The tree ceased its jerky movements and seemed to shrink into its roots. “As you wish…” The tree mumbled, obviously not accustomed to being stood up to by a seven year old. It straightened up so Melanie and Evan could pass, and said no more.
Evan clambered to his feet, sap and twigs still sticking out
of his brown hair. He pulled his sister into an embrace and felt the fear circulating through her tiny body.
Hand in hand, the pair moved with a quick gait past the now silent and motionless tree into the heart of the woods.
There was a glade not a hundred feet from the enchanted tree. In the center of the glade, as if some sort of shrine stood a wall of rocks spanning thirty feet high and fifteen feet wide. From the underside of the rock a dim white light was emitted. But the center of the rock was why it was so truly remarkable and horrifying.
In the center of the rock, an enormous elderly man’s face made up of all different sorts of rocks loomed down upon them. His stone eyes moved down towards Evan and Melanie and an ominous look spread across his features.
“What is it you seek, Master Evan?” the Rock Man asked. His tone was deep and slow, but raged with intensity that even a thousand suns could not manage.
Evan gazed into the Rock Man’s dull eyes, Evan’s brown eyes
meeting the grey. “My sister,” he moaned miserably. “She was attacked by a vampire! I-“
“Seek a cure for her.” The Rock Man finished for him. “Indeed, I can provide you with a cure.”
A shining smile broke across the dirty faces of the children, a smile that seemed to stretch for miles. “Thank you! Thank –“ Melanie cried elastically.
“You did not let me finish, my dear child.” A sly smile danced across the Rock Man’s lips. “I shall cure you, Melanie. But first… Evan. You must do something for me first. Answer my riddle correctly, and your sister shall be cured. You will be free to leave the forest. Answer incorrectly, however, and you will never see another night Evan. And all dear Melanie will see is nights for the rest of her life.”
Evan frowned. He was not especially cunning, but bright for his age. It was a gamble, but it was worth it. “Do your worst.” He hissed through his teeth.
“So young. So foolish…” the Rock Man murmured. “Your riddle, Master Evans.
‘Four men sat down to play,
They played all night ’till break of day,
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone.
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you the paradox explain,
If no one lost, how could all gain?’
You have one chance.”
Evans heart began to smash against his ribs as if trying to escape his chest. He looked over at his sister who delivered him a pleading gaze and breathed “Please, Evan!”
“Ahh,” Evan started, not sure what his answer would be. “They were all…Were playing with lots and lots of gold!” It was the best answer you could expect from a child of nine years of age, for such a complex riddle. Evan ****** in his breath and waited for the Rock Man’s reaction.
The Rock Man’s face remained expressionless. Then suddenly – “WRONG!” the stone face leapt from the wall, like a demon released from hell, twisted, enraged and full of complete madness.
The scream had barely left Evan’s lips when the
Man swallowed his body whole. The stone face returned to the wall as fast as it had lunged out.
Melanie stood, shell-shocked and jaw slack. A spray of blood trailed across her face. Her brain screamed as she tried to comprehend what had just happened. No, she thought, I’m dreaming. This is all a horrible dream.
But before she could make any sense of the gory situation, the face shot off the wall again and locked her into the same fate as her brother. And within seconds, all that was left of Melanie and Evan were two pairs of bloody shoes, a cross hatch crimson splatter on the forest floor, and screams echoing into daybreak.

ALSO IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR A TITLE, PLEASE SHARE
yeah yeah a couple typos ill change them. second answerer, i think ur rude.

Tags: Melanie, Night In The Forest, Underbrush