Sunday, September 20th, 2009

Proof read this please. 10 points for the best help. Thank you?

Lunar asked:


Dear Ms. Smith,
Thank you very much for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me about the position of Executive Assistant/Associate Grants Administrator at the Fund for Global Human Rights. I appreciate your time and consideration in interviewing me for this position.

It was a pleasure to discuss my future with your organization. I was very impressed to learn that your organizations has expanded your grantees in South East and Central Asia Regions. I am excited for the posibility to help your organization continue to grow even more in the future. As I indicated, my passsion, academic background, and work experiences from Bowie State University and the Royal Thai Embassy support my strong interest in the position. In addition to my enthusiasm for performing well, I am willing to learn new tasks and would bring my interpersonal and organizational skills necessary to get the job done efficiently.

I am very interested in working for you and look forward to hearing from you once the final decisions are made regarding this position. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone at or e-mail

Thank you very much again for your time and consideration.
Respectfully yours,

Hope Washington

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7 Responses to “Proof read this please. 10 points for the best help. Thank you?”

chicklit010 Says:
September 21st, 2009 at 6:22 am

The paragraph before you wrote “Thank you very much….”. Take out the “at” … it says “If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone AT or e-mail.

Otherwise it looks good to me!

thefunnyflyingferret Says:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:18 am

“Dear Ms. Smith,
Thank you very much for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me about the position of Executive Assistant/Associate Grants Administrator at the Fund for Global Human Rights. I appreciate your time and consideration in interviewing me for this position.

It was a pleasure to discuss my future with your organization. I was very impressed to learn that your organization has expanded your grantees in South East and Central Asia Regions. I am excited for the possibility to help your organization continue to grow even more in the future. As I indicated, my passion, academic background, and work experiences from Bowie State University and the Royal Thai Embassy support my strong interest in the position. In addition to my enthusiasm for performing well, I am willing to learn new tasks and would bring the interpersonal and organizational skills necessary to get the job done efficiently.

I am very interested in working for you and look forward to hearing from you once the final decisions are made regarding this position. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by phone or e-mail.

Thank you very much again for your time and consideration.
Respectfully yours,

Hope Washington”

Looks great! Up there’s the edited product. The only things I found were too few ’s’s in possibility, too many ’s’s in passion, a missing comma, and a missing period. Also, it should be “organization has,” instead of the multiple form of organization. One more thing; the last bit about contacting by phone or e-mail, the ‘at’ needed to be taken out. Other than that, it’s all good!

cobee Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 8:57 am

2nd paragraph: either “organization has” or “organizations have”

Later that paragraph, it might sound better if you say “the interpersonal” rather than “my interpersonal.”

Third paragraph: Add a comma after “if you have any questions,” and check the wording about phone and e-mail.

Other than that, it looks good! Good luck!

Loren S Says:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:17 am

I agree with chicklit with two additional items:

1) Dear Ms Smith:

2) If you are planning on mailing (most professional way) you need to include your email address.

terlynn_1370 Says:
October 1st, 2009 at 5:56 am

As the previous poster said, take out “at” in the last paragraph after “phone”. Personally, in the first sentence I would use “speak” instead of “talk” (just my preference). Also, in the second paragraph yo need to have “organization has” or organizations have”. The last sentence I would either do “Thank you very much for….”, or “Thank you, again, for…”, or even “Once again, thank you very much for….”.

GoesBananas Says:
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 am

possibility spelled wrong
passion spelled wrong
Suggestions for change:
Consider a way to restate “expanded your grantees”
Change “my” to “the” before interpersonal

Hipnerd Says:
October 4th, 2009 at 5:27 pm

I’m limiting myself to grammar and spelling, per the request. So no advice on content or wording.

“Dear Ms. Smith,”

- Style rules for business correspondence say follow salutations with a colon, not a comma; e.g. “Dear Ms. Smith:”

You need a line break after “Dear Ms. Smith:” .

“I was very impressed to learn that your organizations has expanded your grantees in South East and Central Asia Regions.”

“Organization” should be singular to have subject/verb agreement. (Organization has / organizations have)

“Expanded your grantees”? Unless the grantees themselves got bigger, you probably mean to say that they have “expanded their reach to help more grantees in South Asia” or something along those lines.

“I am excited for the possibility…”

Replace “for” with “about”.

“As I indicated, my passsion, academic background, and work experiences from Bowie State University and the Royal Thai Embassy ”

“Passion” is spelled wrong.

Remove the comma before “and.”

I’d say “Work experiences at” rather than “work experiences for.”

“If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone at or e-mail”

You need a comma after “questions.”

Remove “at” after phone.

You need a line break before “Respectfully yours,” .

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